Leviticus 26:10 New King James Version (NKJV)
10 You shall eat the old harvest, and clear out the old because of the new.
Everyday without you is hard because I miss talking to you. I just want to stop and stare at you. You loved babies that’s true. And seeing you hold Myah and look into her eyes as a mother would do was who you are. You loved people the same way. There was nothing like telling you something and getting your full attention because you listened with the heart. Your eyes were your heart. I miss looking into them and telling you things that you cared about because you cared what I had to say and loved me with your eyes. Your words were from the heart. Sometimes they cut like knives because I needed to hear the truth but never meanly. You were oh so kind. The truth coming from you was always so meaningful. You told me what you thought but never told me what to do. I miss that. I miss telling you things and you would listen. You didn’t always have something to say but you always listened. You wanted to know how I was doing. I miss your random phone calls and texts and you planning the next get together and telling me when we’d see each other again. I really miss you planning things. I miss you being here. I miss you. But you were my baby. Our first child God gave us on this earth. Everything about you was so cool. I loved being your mommy and seeing life through your eyes was an adventure. You were smart. Daddy taught you things like how to say Czechoslovakia and you could say it! You could work on multiple wooden puzzles dumped out on the floor at one time and put them back together again in no time flat! You learned fast and continued to absorb life in the same way. You were a big helper. All your life. Only I had no idea. I mean, I knew you loved your family. You helped us a lot. But you helped everybody! If only you knew. I suppose you do because you’re with Jesus now and now you know everything. But when down here on earth, you were the smartest person I know. But if you only knew how many people loved you. I mean at your home going celebration so many people showed up that there was standing room only because there wasn’t a seat not taken to honor you and your life. I’ll never forget that day. And now I wait for the day I’ll see you again. Selfishly I want to be the first person to hug you on the other side and hold you in my arms. At least I want you to be the first person I see besides my daddy and Jesus. Oh I know it will be crowded with loved ones like my brother and cousins and grandparents and uncles and aunts. But there’s nothing like losing a child and wanting to see them again.
Last Sunday at church we were visiting Elevation for the first time to watch Gavin be dedicated. Steven Furtick said, “Sometimes we think we lost something when God really only moved it.” I couldn’t help but think that’s you. You moved to heaven. I know that. I can trust that. I know I’ll see you there. But I miss you now. I can’t stop missing you. I know you’re helping Jesus get things ready. Because you loved to help and organize things. You are where your soul belongs. And one day.
One day.
I’ll be there with you.
I suppose the new is here. But the new will also be there. I’m trying to find the balance of letting go of yesterday to welcome the new. You will not come to me no longer. I will go to you. I’ll see you in heaven “one day” baby girl. I’m holding onto the promise of no longer missing you. When one day comes. I’ll be where my soul belongs too. I’ll be with you. I’ll be with Jesus.
I’ll end this jabber with your nephew’s Baby Dedication, Gavin Ezra Miller. He misses you too! I know he would have been in your arms just like Myah was.
With love,
Mommy
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